Friday, February 13, 2015

The Truth Behind My Silence

It's been a long time since I wrote from the heart. It's been a long time since I've been able to write from the heart. Today, in a brilliant moment of clarity, I realized why I've been so silent and why I haven't been able to write about Guam. I knew all along that it was because I was being untrue to myself and to my journey but all the pieces finally came together. 

I moved to Guam last August after ten months of traveling throughout Southeast Asia and I've had a hard time adjusting in the six months I've been here. I'm from California where my life was super fast paced for the last...I don't know, ten years of my life? I was under severe amounts of stress and up to my ears in debt and really living above my means for years. I was so wound up all the time that when it was time to "relax" on my days off, I wanted to release all the pressure and I often did it through unhealthy means (read: I partied with my friends, a lot). 

The unhealthy habits I had did two things: put me further into the hole financially and wrecked havoc on my health. I was never truly healthy (even when I was exercising, I was working out so hard that I was probably doing more harm than good) and I was never truly fulfilled. Sure, I was "happy" or what I understood to be "happy", but I was never completely fulfilled on an emotional or spiritual level.

After traveling through SEA, and really daring to lose it all (I left behind my debt, my friends, my family-whom were all very upset with me) to find what I was missing in my life, I came back to Guam and went straight back into the lifestyle I left in California: bartending and watching TV. 

It didn't sit right with me the very moment I started my job. But I had to work; we barely made it to Guam and only had $10 to our names. 

While traveling, I got accustomed to really being the master of my universe, determining how I spent each day, who I worked for, what kind of work I did, and for the first time in my life, I really began to unwind and heal. I went to see an Ayurvedic doctor in India, and just by body-reading, he was able to tell me that I'd been under an extreme amount of stress for years, had damaged my liver and kidneys from partying ("it is very common in western societies, especially in the youth" he said) and that what I needed was good nutrition and meditation.

In the last year, I've found that it's been very hard for me to consistently do yoga and to meditate. Inside my head and my heart has been a violent storm of emotions and un-comfortability as I've pushed myself outside the box and forced myself into new situations and experiences. I hadn't made peace with my family and as much as I hated to admit it to myself, has trailed after me throughout my travels like a scary shadow, lurking in darkness, waiting to catch up with me.

Starting work at the bar, I was no longer around soul-searching hippie backpackers, I was right back in the numb-yourself-with-intoxicants-so-that-you-can-continue-to-lie-to-yourself-about-your-life crowd. I was right back in the staying up late, eating poorly, spending every dollar you make lifestyle. 

I wanted to quit as soon as I started work but I didn't, because I wasn't sure what I would do for money in the meantime. (Besides working on a project that is still under wraps, but I knew that would take time.) 

Then I found Wealthy Affiliate after I had set the New Years Resolutions to become a better person and to devote myself to learning and bettering myself every day. I knew it was a sign from above, that my intentions had been met and returned back to me. 

So I jumped. Feet first. Throwing all caution to the wind. 

Since then, I've totally decompressed all the built up anxiety, worry, frustration, hatred, all the toxic emotions I'd been feeling for years and years.
I let it all go. 
I became my truest yogi, began practicing acts of self-love everyday and made room for my healing.
I did (and still do) yoga every day. I go for an evening beach walk every night where I listen, truly listen, to the gentle lapping of the waves. I am finally present in every moment instead of letting my thoughts get so in the way of experiencing what's right in front of me that I'm whisked into a nonexistent storm of thoughts and emotions triggered by past or future events. No, instead I'm totally present, working on my business, taking personal development classes, reading, writing, drawing, exercising, eating, and most importantly, laughing. 

I'm the healthiest and happiest I've ever been in my whole life. The tension is finally gone, the anxiety finally gone. I laugh with such ease now, that I know I've never been relaxed, ever, in my life. 

I finally realized why I was brought to Guam, why I needed to be here, be immersed in slow, island life: I needed to heal. I needed to undo all the self-inflicted damage I’d done over the years and I needed to learn how to persevere. I needed to learn how to stick with something all the way through till the end, something I haven’t done since college. Changing my mind has been the theme to my life for as long as I can remember and that’s probably why my career didn’t turn out the way I’d planned it. I’m definitely happy I ended up where I am, but now I’m ready to see my dreams all the way through. But more importantly, I’m ready to heal and ready to live this life without negative associations like fear and anxiety and tension and worry like I have for most of my life.

Guam has brought me such peace. I couldn’t see it while I was at the bar because I was affected by other’s negative energies, but now that I’ve left the bar and live in this cocoon of self-love and passionate creativity, I understand why my journey brought me here. 

Being able to do absolutely everything I'm passionate about every day of my life and only having to answer to my conscience, my own internal boss, has set me free. It has made me truly appreciate that I live in paradise, that I have the love of my life walking this path with me, and that I have the whole world at my fingertips. 

Life is too short to spend it doing something you're not passionate about. Life is too short to lie to yourself about what you want or what you want to be. Life is too beautiful to let your mind run the show, clouding your vision and drowning out all other sounds until you're never fully present. Your life is in your own hands. You can make it anyway you want, despite what other people say, despite what even your own mind says. You are free, you are worthy, you are alive.


  1. Lovely :) yes.... meditation is the ultimate solution for all problems.